A rare discovery: the long-rumored Reporter’s Trumplate… ‘Donald Trump openly clashes with his _________ of __________, issuing some of his harshest criticism yet’
The House Intelligence Committee isn’t the only body that can release a good memo! Not usually known for in-depth reporting, Nothing Special is proud to announce a first-ever leaked-document exclusive. Through a high-ranking official, we have been able to obtain a copy of the reporter’s template long-rumored to exist for any article about Mr. Special himself. We present it, in its entirety, below:
Lego Count Dooku
TOP SECRET MEMO
The next year, he entered the “Star Wars” universe as the fallen Jedi knight, Count Dooku, in the “Star Wars: The Clone Wars.”. Twitter users rally for Jeff Goldblum to play Mike Pence. Michael Richard Pence (born June 7, 1959) is an American politician. He is the 48th and current Vice President of the United States since 2017. A lawyer by occupation, he served as Governor of Indiana from 2013 to 2017 and as a member of the United States House of Representatives from 2001 to 2013. A Republican, he chaired the House Republican Conference from 2009 to 2011. His story explored the seductive power of the Dark Side, and the effects it could have on even a Jedi Master. He explored the most wretched hives of scum and villainy, went undercover as an acolyte of Count Dooku, and introduced a more grey morality character to the canon at the time.
TO: ALL STAFF
FROM: REDACTED! (but likely Ben Smith of BuzzFeed)
Here’s that template for your next piece! Note that when you see slashes, you must choose ONE of the words, not all (!), for your article.
Donald Trump openly clashes with his _______ of __________, issuing some of his harshest criticism yet
The gloves came off on ____day, when President Trump let forth a scathing rebuke of his __________ of _____________. _______________, chosen to succeed ______________ when he was forced to resign after running afoul of the President, never quite gelled with Mr. Trump, whose brash/intuitive/wandering/unscripted style contrasted with his more staid/calm/focused/rational approach.
“This is the first time, in my memory at least, that a president has so openly feuded with his __________ of __________. Such a rift is not only unusual, but actually antithetical to what the whole President/_________ relationship is supposed to be about,” said Paul/Dorris _____________, who has written three books on the subject.
What Is Count Dooku's First Name
Credit: Andrew Harnick, Associated Press, via the Boston Globe. Of the Trump administration officials in this photo, only Vice President Mike Pence remains, and he is a twit.
The whole chain of events dates back several months, when the __________ Post/Times reported that Trump had privately dressed down ____________ at an Oval Office meeting, leading the latter to redden/burst into tears/bite his nails/sing “Gypsy”/wonder what the use of remaining alive was–this despite decades of an ostensibly competent business/military/political/sports/legal/medical/diplomatic career. That strained relationship was on rare public display when Trump publicly blasted _________’s statement as incomplete and making him feel undermined/confused/gassy.
“Sad that ____________ forgot to mention that I clearly beat crooked Hillary Clinton in the election, that the only Collusion was between Russia and the DNC/Democrats/staff who really barely worked for me,” Trump wrote yesterday in the early morning tweet, continuing,
“Remember the Dirty Dossier, Uranium, Emails!!!!, the Podesta Company, my ratings, I would have won more of popular vote if I hadn’t focused so much on the states that matter because I’m smart (Crooked H never even visited _______btw!) Covfefe, Little Marco, China. And glad [former Never-Trumper] finally seeing things clearly and now endorsing my candidacy. Although now I won and am actually President, and you don’t get to be President if your [sic] not a stable genius. We will drain the swamp in November!!! #FAKE NEWS. Mueller has nothing. And STAND for the national anthem Black people!!”
According to a senior White House official, Trump has repeatedly bristled at ____________’s high octane/goofy/laser-focused/punctual briefing style, which he has compared to a tortoise/schoolmarm/Star Wars character/Dipsie Doodle/FBI official. At one point, Trump actually stopped the meeting, wagged his index finger and said, “This guy’s a regular wordsmith!/hoot!/Negative Nancy/sexy guy!/Count Dooku!” That same official said he had urged ___________ on several occasions to try to use fewer words and simplify things for the president.
Speculation has already started about ______________’s replacement as _______________ of _____________, with a growing consensus pointing to _____________, whom Trump has been rumored to be warming to/taking walks with/cooing over/calling nightly/attending tickling parties with, and who has previously called for the dismantling of the position.
After 42 years and 11 movies, “Star Wars” universe can be easy to get lost in.
Folks might remember mainstays Luke Skywalker and Yoda, but other names and faces may have gotten lost in the mix.
Count Dooku Lightsaber
With “Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker” now in theaters, here’s a crash course of who’s who in a galaxy far, far away:
Yoda was a powerful Jedi master with a deep understanding of the force. (Lucasfilm)
Han Solo was an intergalactic smuggler that got caught up in the Rebellion. (Lucasfilm)
Emperor Palpatine orchestrated the Clone Wars to ensure his rise to power. (Lucasfilm)
R2-D2 was a savvy droid assignment to help Anakin Skywalker during the Clone Wars. (Lucasfilm)
Lando Calrissian was a colleague of Han Solo’s that joined the Rebellion. (Lucasfilm)
Leia Organa was a princess and a leader of the Rebellion, who was also secretly a child of Darth Vader’s. (Lucasfilm)
Chewbacca was Han Solo’s co-pilot and best friend. (Lucasfilm)
Boba Fett was a bounty hunter hired by Darth Vader to capture Han Solo. (Lucasfilm)
C-3PO was made by Anakin Skywalker before becoming Princess Leia’s droid. (Lucasfilm)
Obi-Wan Kenobi was Anakin Skywalker’s Jedi master before he fell to the dark side. Kenobi would eventually train Anakin’s son, Luke. (Lucasfilm)
When Anakin Skywalker fell to the dark side, he became the evil Sith Lord Darth Vader. (Lucasfilm)
Luke Skywalker, the son of Darth Vader, trained to become a Jedi and ultimately saved his father from the dark side. (Lucasfilm)
Jar Jar Binks was a fast friend of Qui-Gon Jinn on Naboo. (Lucasfilm)
Mace Windu was Yoda’s right hand man during the Clone Wars. (Lucasfilm)
Count Dooku turned against the Jedi and became a Sith. (Lucasfilm)
Darth Maul was a Sith Lord, responsible for killing Qui-Gon Jinn. (Lucasfilm)
Qui-Gon Jinn was the Jedi master who discovered a young Anakin Skywalker and brought him to the Jedi Temple for training. (Lucasfilm)
Padme Amidala was Anakin Skywalker’s secret wife and the mother of his children. (Lucasfilm)
Anakin Skywalker was said to be “The Chosen One” who would restore balance to the force. (Lucasfilm)
Jyn Erso, a rebel soldier, captured the Death Star plans so the weapon could be destroyed. (Lucasfilm)
Cassian Andor was Jyn Erso’s ally in the mission to capture the Death Star plans. (Lucasfilm)
Rey, an orphaned scavenger, finds herself in the middle of the Resistance against the First Order. (Lucasfilm)
Finn, a runaway stormtrooper, takes up with the Resistance to destroy the First Order. (Lucasfilm)
Poe, an ace pilot, is a leader in the Resistance. (Lucasfilm)
Kylo Ren, born Ben Skywalker, was Leia’s son who fell to the Dark Side. (Lucasfilm)
BB-8 was a charismatic droid loyal to the Resistance. (Lucasfilm)
Rose Tico, a member of the Resistance, was dedicated to restoring peace to the galaxy. (Lucasfilm)
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